Couples Therapy

What Bring Couples to Therapy

In my work with couples, I tend to see two broad entry points.

The first involves couples who find themselves caught in cycles of conflict that have become exhausting or overwhelming. Arguments repeat without full resolution, often escalating in ways that leave both partners feeling unheard, defensive, or shut down. Over time, conflict itself can begin to feel like the core problem—something the relationship cannot move past, even when both people want change.

The second group includes couples who are not in acute conflict, but who are seeking to strengthen or deepen their relationship. In these cases, the work often happens at a more subtle level, exploring patterns of connection, distance, and responsibility. These couples may sense that some aspect of the relationship feels flat or constrained, and want to relate to one another in a more alive or dynamic way.

While the starting points differ, the core aim of couples therapy is similar in both cases. Whether a relationship is in crisis or simply ready for deeper levels of connection, the work involves slowing down what has become reactive or rigid and restoring stability for something new to emerge. A strong relationship is not one without tension, but one where both people can express themselves authentically while remaining connected to the shared relationship.

As I see it, couples therapy is existential work. Being in close relationship confronts us with the ongoing challenge of navigating the space between self and other—between our own needs, fears, and histories, and the reality of another person. The work is about coming into contact with what is truly at stake for each partner and for the relationship as a whole, and finding a way forward that preserves dignity, safety, and a shared sense of direction.

Patterns of Conflict in the Relationship

Many couples feel caught in patterns that seem automatic and difficult to change. One partner may push for resolution or clarity while the other pulls away. In other cases, one may feel they are carrying the emotional weight of the relationship, while the other feels criticized, overwhelmed, or unsure how to engage without making things worse.

These patterns often begin subtly, but over time they can turn into predictable ways of relating that begin to define the relationship itself. Curiosity fades. Conversations feel familiar before they even begin. The relationship can start to feel constrained by the conflict and may even feel as if there is no way out of the pattern.

My work with couples focuses on bringing these patterns into awareness. When these problematic patterns are named and understood, the relationship gains room to breathe again. What once felt inescapable can begin to shift, and partners can reconnect with a broader sense of who they are in the relationship.

Safety and Change

This layer of couples work is often overlooked, yet it is foundational: meaningful change cannot occur without a baseline of safety.

Safety within the context of couples counseling means establishing enough trust that both partners can remain present and engaged, even when things are tense or uncertain. Without this foundation, efforts to communicate or repair often collapse into escalation or withdrawal.

A central focus of how I work with couples is creating a container where both people can stay connected in moments of difficulty. Practically, this may involve learning how to pause escalation, tolerate emotional intensity, and speak more honestly without overwhelming the relationship.

As safety increases and communication opens, new possibilities begin to emerge. The relationship regains the capacity to choose more actively, and conflict no longer feels impossible to move through.

Repair and Responsibility

Conflict itself is not what ends relationships. What erodes trust is what happens after conflict: how repair is handled, how responsibility is taken, and whether the impact of what occurred is acknowledged and worked through.

For many couples, the deeper injury lies not in a single argument, but in the accumulation of moments that were never repaired. Withdrawals that were never named. Emotional injuries that were carried forward as if nothing happened. Agreements that were never kept. Over time, these unaddressed moments shape the relationship in powerful ways.

Couples therapy creates space to return to these moments honestly—not as a way to assign blame or rehash the past, but as a way of taking responsibility for how the relationship has been shaped and how each partner has participated in that shaping. Accountability in the present often becomes the pathway through which trust begins to rebuild and the relationship finds new life.

The Relationship as Becoming

Every relationship is always becoming something. Even when nothing appears to be changing, the relationship is still moving and changing, often toward familiar ways of relating learned long ago.

From an existential perspective, relationships are shaped by choice, whether chosen consciously or not. Slowing down and bringing mutual awareness to what is happening in the present can provide the space needed to begin reclaiming and developing a more intentional path forward.

Much of my work invites partners to come into contact with the present reality of their relationship, and to ask a deeper question: Who are we becoming together? While this question can feel unsettling, it also opens the possibility for renewed direction, meaning, and engagement with the life you are building together.

How I Work With Couples

My primary focus in couples therapy is the relationship itself—how it responds under stress, how it organizes around conflict, how it repairs, and how it carries responsibility over time. Individual experiences matter, but I always understand them within the larger relational system they are anchored in.

My work is grounded in an existential–humanistic approach and informed by relational models such as the Gottman Method and PACT. These approaches share an understanding of the couple as a dynamic system, where lasting change requires attention to how the system functions as a whole.

This way of working is about developing a way of relating that can endure through time, becoming more honest, resilient, and capable of navigating the challenges that life brings to the relationship together.

Support for Couples in Eugene and Springfield

I offer couples therapy in Eugene and Springfield, Oregon, with both in-person and telehealth options available statewide. If your relationship feels stuck, overwhelmed, or at a turning point, you’re welcome to reach out.