Anger & Irritability

Introduction

Anger and irritability are, in my clinical experience, among the most misunderstood emotional experiences in our culture. They are often vilified, feared, or treated as something that should simply be expressed outwardly and then moved past. Yet developing a healthy relationship with anger or irritability is rarely about forcing the emotion closed or acting it out impulsively. More often, it involves coming into contact with why anger is showing up and learning to relate to what is happening beneath its surface.

It is also important to say that for many people, “anger” may not feel like the most accurate description of their lived experience. Instead, it may show up as inwardly turned frustration, chronic tension, impatience, or a low-grade irritability directed toward situations or events outside of one’s control. For others, this inner tension can feel as though it never fully goes away. Clinically, what seems to unite people who identify with these experiences is not anger itself, but a sense that their reactions feel out of proportion, confusing, or increasingly difficult to manage alone.

This page explores anger and irritability from an existential perspective, supporting those who want to better understand themselves and seek long-term change through depth-oriented psychotherapy.

What Anger Feels Like

Anger is a complex emotional experience. We often think of anger in terms of outbursts, rage, or intense emotional reactions, sometimes focusing primarily on the physical intensity of these moments. In reality, the underlying sensations that give rise to more visible expressions of anger are present in many ordinary interactions throughout daily life.

For example, sarcasm can be a subtle and socially acceptable expression of anger, and over time it can become woven into a person’s identity as a way of coping with long-standing hurt. Withdrawal and social isolation can be another indirect expression—rather than openly expressing upset, tension is turned inward and connection is reduced in an attempt to manage emotional strain.

These examples are not exhaustive, but they point to an important reality: anger is often far less obvious than we expect, and therefore more difficult to understand and heal.

Common experiences include:

• feeling easily annoyed, irritable, or on edge
• frequent frustration with others or oneself
• emotional shutdown or withdrawal followed by sudden expressions of anger
• guilt or shame after expressing anger
• difficulty identifying what you are angry or irritated about

Anger as a Secondary Emotion

It is often said that anger is a secondary emotion. In clinical practice, this is frequently true, with experiences such as fear, grief, shame, or a sense of powerlessness sitting closer to the root of what anger is responding to.

At the same time, anger can feel profoundly powerful, sometimes cutting into the very core of one’s sense of being. Because of this intensity, describing anger as “secondary” can feel dismissive, as though something important or true is being overlooked.

I believe strongly that anger should not be dismissed or minimized. Its presence can function like a doorway—one that opens toward deeper self-understanding and the possibility of a more authentic relationship with oneself and others.

Anger and the Body

Like anxiety and depression, anger is an experience that affects the whole person. It is therefore unsurprising that anger is often carried in the body. This may show up as jaw tension, clenched muscles, shallow breathing, headaches, or, for some, elevated blood pressure.

Over time, when anger remains unattended, it can contribute to chronic stress, physical discomfort, and exhaustion. In some cases, this unresolved tension leads to patterns of coping that carry long-term consequences, such as increased alcohol or substance use.

Working with anger at the level of the body often involves developing a more attuned awareness of physical sensations. Rather than overriding or suppressing these experiences, the work invites a gradual, compassionate presence with what the body is holding, allowing what needs to be felt or expressed to emerge safely.

Anger as Existential Information

From an existential perspective, anger is not inherently negative. It can be an adaptive and meaningful response to situations in which something important is at stake—for example, when we feel threatened, ignored, constrained, or violated.

Anger carries information. It can point us toward crossed boundaries, blocked choices, unexpressed or unmet needs, or a sense of being unseen or unheard. It may also reflect concerns about safety, autonomy, or personal integrity.

The existential approach that informs my work views anger as a vital source of information. When listened to carefully, it can become a reliable guide pointing back toward what matters most in one’s life.

Suppressed Anger and Irritability

Many people learn early in life that anger is dangerous, unacceptable, or something that must be controlled at all costs. The result is often not the absence of anger, but its redirection into less direct and more persistent forms.

When anger is suppressed over long periods, it often shows up as chronic irritability, passive aggression across multiple relationships, deep-seated resentment toward oneself or others, emotional numbness, or patterns of avoidance. Anxiety and depression are also frequently intertwined with these dynamics.

Intersecting Experiences

Anger and irritability rarely exist in isolation; they often overlap with and are shaped by other dimensions of experience. Anxiety and chronic tension are commonly connected, as is overthinking. Depression, burnout, and emotional exhaustion frequently co-occur with the expression of anger.

Substance use and other behavioral addictions may function as attempts to manage unresolved anger, while relationship difficulties often reflect longstanding patterns of unexpressed frustration. Unresolved loss or unprocessed grief can also play a significant role.

Exploring how these experiences intersect can offer powerful insight into how anger operates within a person’s broader emotional life.

Identity and Anger

Over time, anger can become intertwined with identity. Some people come to see themselves as “the calm one,” “the strong one,” or conversely, “the angry one.” In each case, the relationship to anger can become rigid, limiting emotional flexibility and one’s freedom or sense of agency in the world.

When anger is deeply embedded in one’s sense of self, behaviors oriented around maintaining control often emerge. Control can serve as an attempt to manage uncertainty, vulnerability, or change, and may function as an alternate emotional expression of anxiety.

Working with anger at this level involves encountering questions of freedom and possibility. As understanding deepens, identity can begin to loosen, allowing for a more flexible and authentic way of relating to oneself and the world.

An Existential Approach to Anger

Many approaches to therapy and counseling focus on managing or suppressing anger. While these strategies can offer temporary relief, they often emphasize control and containment rather than understanding ourselves at a deeper level.

My work is grounded in existential-humanistic therapy. From this perspective, anger is not seen as something to be eliminated, controlled, or simply contained, but as something to be understood and fully felt in all its complexity. By exploring the meaning, history, and function of anger, it becomes possible to reconnect with who we truly are and, in the process, become more aligned with who we want to be in the world.

Learn more about Existential-Humanistic Therapy

Support for Anger and Irritability in Eugene and Springfield

I offer therapy and counseling for anger and irritability in Eugene and Springfield, Oregon, with both in-person and Telehealth options available statewide.

If you are struggling with anger, frustration, or emotional tension and would like to explore how this work might support you, you are welcome to reach out.